Oh man that salutation sounds funny now. I had the weirdest dream about a few minutes ago, and it’s already fading, so I’m not going to write it down, but sometimes I have these strange, late night dreams – nightmares(?) really. I just had one. And it’s like I won’t be able to go back to sleep – and I need sleep – until I write it down. It was one of those dreams about being in a dream type dreams that don’t end well. I need more sleep but not until I purge my brain a little bit. Of whatever *that* was.
Yesterday was an interesting day. I sent out an email and a letter to two different people, and am wondering if I will hear back from either one. One was me apologizing and the other was me asking for clarification about something important. In a way, they were both me trying to achieve some reconciliation.
Asking people for forgiveness and for honesty is hard, right? Sometimes, you need to ask and then wait. In the interim, you cannot entirely move on until you hear what someone is going to say – and you can’t really tell anyone else what you’re thinking either.
You never know if someone is going to forgive you, and you never know if they are going to be honest. It’s like I’ve often said – none of us really deserve each other. No human being deserves another. We are all gifts that we choose to give one another, in our own time and way and on our own terms. That’s the only way to really love and to be loved, I think.
Whatever happens now, I am reminded that 1) I write these letters in order to say hi to you, to God, in a way which it seems appropriate at the time to share and 2) sometimes I stop for a bit to pray alone with you. I feel like I may have reached the pray alone with you stage. And that’s fine. These past few days, it’s just been SO many thoughts I felt like I had to say. I will probably be back in a few days or tomorrow to be like hey. Because, hey. I love you forever
With love, as ever, your now mostly grown-up daughter,