Letter to God: You Had Me at Murder Hornets

Hi again God,

I was going to take the rest of the day off, but I keep thinking: you had me at murder hornets.

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Now coming to a This Really Did Happen near you.

Here’s how I found about the murder hornets from China, as You will recall. First, one friend said something about the murder hornets from China. I told her to stop believing everything she reads. And went back to praying or whatever.  I checked in later, and she’s like haha yes it sounds funny but it’s in the news.

So, I checked the news and honestly, Father in heaven, I’m like I’m done. I give in. Whatever you want, I will do it. This is the book of Exodus now and this is even more annoying than the locust thing. What now?

To be clear to anyone reading, I am not saying that God sends murder wasps or global pandemics as punishments, but sometimes God allows my cats to destroy things because well, that’s what I get for getting cats. That’s what we get for ignoring global warming!

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If you don’t believe me, look it up. In a reputable place like NASA as opposed to non-reputable sites such as Breitbart “News” or Trump’s Twitter feed. 

All of this definitely has a LOT more to do with global warming than God pressing the Zap button. Because God can and does speak through the natural world. In ways that should make sense. If we are paying attention. Climate change is real. It will lead to unusual weather patterns, unusual insect migrations, and even global pandemics. No supernatural explanation required. Although if it helps….

Here’s what I would look with a beard and scruffy robes, stepping out of the belly of the whale and going – FINE – what do you want???

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I was already writing the Expanse/science/atheism/hint of witchcraft posts when the Polar Vortex happened. As I told several of my friends – I just don’t care about Anything Anymore. 2020 has beaten me. I give in. My next thought is – oh this is a different Bible story now.

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Borrowed from A slideshow about the Book of Job

It really didn’t help that at the time I was trying to figure out this guy who was doing this Traditional Bible Study that was going to take us through the whole Old Testament in 2 hours, maybe? I was really annoyed by the whatever-ness of the notes he sent us, notes which I’m still not sure what any of that was even supposed to mean. I wrote him an angry email (okay three angry emails) and then decided I just didn’t care whatever he was going to say back, because life is short. So I deleted his response email after glancing at the first line, something to do with teaching this class for 6 years and it all being in line with the teachings of the Church. Which I felt told me all I had to know about the rest.

God will judge me – as being in an unusually negative mood that day. Sorry. Truly.

Seriously, though. Murder wasps and polar vortexes. And global pandemics. And being all alone in my house for 2 months with only my cats for company.

I’ve often wondered if I’m the only one who gets to the end of the Book of Job and thinks something like – Job, God is inviting you to have a conversation. If you don’t want this kind of attention, then sin some more. Live a little. Trust me, your life will be a lot more peaceful, with far less unwanted attention on you. But, if you are going to be all sinless like that and make it to the other side, how about we chat?

I guess the whole point to this parable of a story is that for someone who has been through All That, whirlwinds and making a long list of your divine accomplishments will be counter-productive to that first, crucial conversation.

Best to start a bit slower. For example, Hello. I come in peace. No, I am not planning to steal your women and rape your crops like the last missionary. I can see why that would make you mad. Okay, I will go then. Unless you would like me to help you out in some practical way, like starting a school to help educate your children in ways appropriate to your local culture, which I promise to honor and take seriously while teaching you about the real God who really loves you – as you will see through my actions this time, I swear.

I can see you are not receptive to the Gospel at this time. Okay. Maybe later. Call me!

On a totally related note, I have gone back to reading the one book I seem to be able to read in the midst of everything happening. It is not the Bible. I can read at most approximately 2 sentences or so of the Bible before I start having so many deep thoughts I need to stop and write them all down. Seriously, after a week of this assignment I got from my spiritual director, I’m still approximately 2 paragraphs into the Last Discourses. And I kind of want to go back and read the first couple sentences again.

The book I’ve been reading is called How to by Randall Munroe.

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Out of the box solutions that you probably know better than to try

I just remembered where I got the idea for building a lava moat, because it is in: Chapter 9, How to Build a Lava Moat. My favorite chapter by far is Chapter 5: How to Make an Emergency Landing, in which the author interviews a NASA astronaut about such tricky maneuvers as landing a space shuttle and flying a giant, mythical bird called a roc. In case you’re wondering, the most important thing to find out if you are even in this situation: What does the bird want?

Is it angry? Does it want to kill and eat you? Is it showing you around and planning to put you down when it’s done?

Either way, you are of course perfectly justified in doing whatever you feel you need to do to get out of an unsafe situation. P.S. Rocs aren’t actually real. That is part of the joke.

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“I think  you wanted me to take you to the grasslands over there, right? That’ll be ten scoops of corn. Say hi to the missus for me.”

Okay, I believe I have done my prophetic part now. Murder bad. Conservation good. Listen to scientists and doctors and not windbag politicians. Now can you please let me spend the rest of lockdown in peace?

Sincerely, your loving if sleep and touch deprived daughter,
Anne

 

 

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