Well, yesterday went badly in several ways. Top of my list is realizing that, okay, I really need to stop going to confession to have my sins forgiven. I need to stop even thinking about it. Because obviously this is not working.
I know you have told me this many times, Father, so this is me saying – okay, fine! I get it. But you know me, I like to color inside the lines when at all possible. Even when God Himself is like put down the crayon.
Let it go. This is me letting it go.
In the Roman Catholic religion, we’re supposed to go to a priest for forgiveness, and that priest is supposed to be like God or like Jesus in forgiving us. Trouble is, none of the priests I’ve met has ever actually been Jesus. They are literally incapable of “getting it” like Jesus would if we were having the exact same conversation. Sometimes “close enough” is just close enough to be dangerous.
I believe in divine revelation. I also believe that magical revelation needs to go together with having decent character. We should be able to talk to other people as if God were speaking to them through us. We should also have sufficient character to follow through and not be entitled a-holes the rest of the time.
Otherwise, we’re just going to keep repeating the same tired cycles. It’s like that old saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Going to flawed human beings to help solve the sin problem is one of those examples. Ultimately, only God can help, and sometimes you really do need to cut out the middle man, who clearly has no idea what they’re actually doing.
So, again, God – this is me checking in. On a definitely related note, the peaceful Black Lives Matter protest I attended not far from my house somehow devolved into violence several hours later. I remember feeling a lot of anger and sorrow there but nothing like that. I’m not sure what happened, but these people are in my prayers. It isn’t my cause by right, because while not all Caucasian, I’m white-passing enough that this is NOT my fight.
When I say go to God, for some people that may be a Higher Power, saying – this is not my fight. I literally do not understand – but I am with you.
My prayers are with these people. That is all. I am not worthy to do much else other than walk with, cheer on, and stand aside.
Seriously, Father, here is all I know for sure: we need Jesus. Human beings are plainly not cutting it with this sin business, as much as I would like to believe that we could. We need you, my dearest love, my Only, Yeshua – and now you know that I am serious and desperate and serious.
We need you.
That will be all. Mostly writing this because it is now almost 3 A.M., I’d like to get to sleep and I have a feeling You won’t let me until I do.
Yesterday was rough guys. I hope that I’ve learned the lessons I was meant to learn and ignored the ones that – nope, I don’t think so. Done with all of that now.
Yours forever regardless, so please help me to be wise,