It’s me again, the problem child. As it turns out, I do not have Covid-19. I should be happy about this, and I am, but mostly I am still quite exhausted. It’s this surreal moment that gives me a chance to reassess my life choices leading up to this moment in time.
I regret nothing.
That is the problem with me, I know. It is one of those inescapable truths of my existence, that the one thing I most want – to be with you forever – is the one thing I give up for a little while in order to help slam the door and hold it open for as many refugees as can make it.
I regret nothing. Ever. If I should die and disappear into nothing, that was going to happen anyway. If I should be a laughingstock, then laugh. Some people spend their lives waiting for TV or to see a band in concert. Some put their sense of self-worth in titles and relationships. I choose to waste my time. Exactly. Like. This.
I regret nothing.
Today, the reading at Mass started with the time God asked Solomon what he wanted. And Solomon asked for wisdom. Father in heaven, you know what I asked for as a reward one day. I said to be able to hug Jesus just once to say thank you. And you promised me, not just that – but I would be his wife.
It occurs to me I may have chosen even better than Solomon, because I know a few things about a few things. I know the treasures that will last. Relationships before titles. My own self-worth ahead of relationships. Trust ahead of knowledge, and wisdom ahead of trust.
I’m holding you to the promise, Father. I am past the point of caring about much of anything else. I have everything else I have asked and fought for, more than I asked for. You know how I have fought – and will continue to fight.
But, come on. I was tired of this war over a decade ago. I didn’t stop arguing with “the other side” out of fear. Sometimes you need to stop feeding the troll. I choose my own battles now. That’s how “co-equal” works.
No one owns anyone else. A person is not a prize to be won like a ribbon.
We can never go back to what would have been if things had been different. We can always go ahead as what we are now. Yeshua, my love. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, not really. I care about them too much to care what they think about me. All that matters is what you know about me. All that matters is that I can hear the beat of your heart.